im soooooooooooooo happy for bola! :) she is really liking this stefon guy and from the way that she describes their friendship, they mesh really well! and i’m also super excited that she called me to talk about it with her.
but now i’m sad. i don’t know why…but i do know why. i’m sad because my relationship with vincent is making me sad…….i feel like i’m not smart enough, good enough, cool enough, or skinny enough to be with him. he makes me feel stupid sometimes because i don’t see the world the way he does. i’m thinking about the summer and i know, I KNOW, that he’s not going to contact me in any sort of way.
he’ll meet a smart, pretty, thin asian girl. who knows anything and everything about politics, the universe, and philosophy and all that shit. i feel empty. like i don’t have any friends. the only person that i could consider being any type of close friends with would be bola.
i just talked to vincent….and he said, i love you…but then again he was drunk…i feel like he expects me to be there for him and not be there for me in return. our relationship feels the same as it did when we were non exclusive. i would really like to spend more time with him or at least know that he really does love me in the normal sense that two ppl in a committed relationship would have. i just want him to be with me because he WANTS to not because he tells me i should force him. if forcing him is a part of his philosophy mumbo jumbo, then i don’t want it.
i’ve let two people into my life and they’ve gone their own ways. brooke and bryan. i thought brooke would be my friend forever and that i would see her. not going to happen, at least i don’t think :/ well i just sent her a message and hopefully she answer back.
i’m trying not to pity myself anymore. it’s destructive and gets me nowhere, its just a waste of time. hopefully things will start looking up for me. i dunno mayyybee.
so as i predicted, vincent got his internship and wants to chase after hot asian girls…
he’s going to be gone from may til august.
he’s not going to want to be with me when he comes back.
we’re two different people and our relationship is never going to work.
i’m not going to date for a LONG time after this whole thing is over. too much heartache. instead i’ll focus my energy into making more guy friends and fawning over the hot guy with dreads on glee.
i’ve blocked bryan from everything. i’ve deleted his number, blocked him on facebook, blocked him on twitter and i need to unfollow him on tumblr.
i’m looking forward to the summer. i applied to two places. walker’s downtown and the uga bookstore.
i did shrooms for the first time. and it was great! it would have been even better if i was in a better mood.
i don’t enjoy sex anymore.
i think this summer will be good for me.
hey! it’s me again. lol i haven’t written in you in a while. vincent and i are doing well, i think. i think he’s opening up more, but there are some things that still bug me like when he talks to ashley……i don’t want to be that crazy girlfriend that goes on a rampage talking about how she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her, but it’s not too irrational. the only thing that keeps me from going crazy is the fact that ashley turned him down, and that ppl believe that we are good together.
i’m also worried about how this summer is going to play out. i’m going to be doing summer school and he’s probably going to get his internship in taiwan. are we going to talk to each other at all? will he still be interested when he comes back from taiwan? i’m pretty sure he wants to go to taiwan and hook up with other girls while he’s there…and who am i to stop him? i mean it’s taiwan, it’s a different country with new experiences. i support him in going and i want him to go. it would be selfish of me to tell him that i didn’t want him to see other girls. i want him to decide that on his own.
he’s been the kinda guy i’ve been looking for i think, at least physically and intellectually. intellectually, i just can’t compare, i can’t keep up. he knows sooooo much! but that’s why i was attracted to him in the first place. and because he looked like rain bi ^^.
i like how calm i am in this relationship. i think it’s because he hasn’t put too much pressure like i felt with bryan.
well i guess we will see what will happen.
i’m like super pissed off right now.
vincent is still encouraging me to be a player………. i don’t want to be a player. i’ve told him time and time again that i don’t want to be a player. i want to be with him! i don’t care how long we’re together, i just want him and that’s it. but it’s looking like we’re not going to stay together long if he keeps bringing up the fact that he thinks that i should date some more. because it’s not what i want. but it don’t think he cares very much about that which is upsetting.
yeah we’re going to have to break up soon which is upsetting because i wouldn’t want to and i would be sad, but i think that’s what’s best. vincent isn’t going to marry me and we’re not going to have kids together and i don’t think i could keep him happy for the rest of his life. so i’ve already accepted that fact i guess, now i’m just waiting.
[ahhhhhhh!!!!! posted this on my other blog by accident!! ><!!!!!]
hey! i finnalllyy went to go talk to someone about changing my major to advertising in grady! and it went really well. i think i will visit diane miller a lot more, if i change my major. i’m really excited to go to the introduction to advertising class. i hope i like it!!! ><!!! fingers crossed! i’m writing an essay right now and i fell like its going really well! i really want an A in english so that if i do change my major and apply to grady, my grades in english will look really good. i think i will start writing a lot more now too, to develop my writing skills. it will be great [ahhhh weird guy at snelling, eating, just made eye contact! awkward ><!] i really hope all goes well. and that i’m making the right decision.
my sex life is becoming more interesting by the day….it’s weird. lol vincent is getting better. i don’t ever know what to do lol. i thought my problem was going to be getting too attached by having sex, but it actually turns out that i’ll get too attached if i share my feelings with him and if i spend a whole lot of time with him. i wonder how long we’ll go out….hmmm it’ll be interesting to see in the future.
i haven’t talked to bryan in about 9 days now and i feel good :) . it’s weird. i thought that i would still be a wreck from him not calling me, but now that i think about it, i’m actually glad that i’m not in a relationship with him anymore. he laid all his love on me, even wanted to marry me. i wasn’t ready for all that. and i don’t think i will ever be. i think we’re good just as friends.
well i have to get back to writing this paper if i know i want to finish in any type of early fashion. kk talk to ya laturrrrr!!
man i really haven’t been writing in you like i’m supposed to. i’ve just been so busy with school and vincent, and avoiding my thoughts, that i neglected writing in you.
so i have to tell you about vincent. i like him alot. i think that i love him. it’s kinda scary because i feel like if i could have what i had with bryan with vincent, then i would never want anybody else ever again.
i worry though, because sometimes i don’t think that i’m enough for him. i feel like he’s going to get bored with me easily and just dump me. i want to be really close to him, but i don’t know how to tell him that. i mean obviously i would just tell him, but i guess it’s just that i’m afraid to tell him how i feel. i don’t know if he wants to have a relationship where we talk all the time and be around each other a lot or if he wants space and we see each other every couple of days. if i knew which one he wanted, i speculate that i would feel more secure about my role in our relationship.
i feel like he’s out of my league. he’s so smart and when i’m being myself, i feel like i’m not adding any intellectual value to our relationship. i don’t want him to dump me because i can’t match his intellectual capacity. he likes talking about politics and philosophy and things that not necessarily many people know of. i feel like i’m holding him back from finding a girl that could contest his inquiries about life.
i love learning from him though. there are many things that i wouldn’t have known if i hadn’t have met vincent. meeehhhhh.
i don’t want him to feel trapped. i guess i’ll never know how he feels about our relationship i don’t ask….
i also don’t know what to do about my career choice. i do know that i have no desire to be a pharmacist or a doctor or a nurse. i would love to be a gynecologist, but i do not want to do the schooling.
i have always wanted to work for apple though. i would be ecstatic if i could work with their advertisement team. when i typed advertisement, i felt a sort of joy in my stomach. :)
i’ve been doing some research and i have concluded that advertising could be a good career for me. i would get to be creative, work with other people, and work, hopefully, in a calmed relaxed atmosphere. i would love to work for google, but the real goal is apple! i just get so excited think about it.
what i’m scared about though is that i will start my advertising classes and either not do well or even worse, hate it :(
bola told me to pray about it and so did jenny….so i will.
later
i just had seexxxxxx and it felt so good lol ^^
today vincent hansheng li is my boyfriend :) finalllllyyyyy.
i might change my major. i’m kind of scared to change it.
my hair is cooperating with me for once
bryan and i probably won’t talk anymore.
i’m happy :)
